Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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