paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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