Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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