My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
