my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
