I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I think I won the penis lottery.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
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Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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