I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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