the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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