2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Man, jail baloney is awful.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
If its not for food we ain't going out.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
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