$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
