three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
