I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
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Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
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Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
My life is pants optional.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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