Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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