Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
