I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
he told me I talked like a deaf person
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
