I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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