i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Randomize
