Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
