haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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