i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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