you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
