It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Randomize
