I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Randomize
