Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
are you so shy because you have an std?
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Randomize
