DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
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2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
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