I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
