I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
