She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
worst night to have a conscience
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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