you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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