I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
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