I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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