why didn't you poke me back
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
