Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
