I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Randomize
