I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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