I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
