moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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