So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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