i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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