I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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