i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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