Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
