SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
