so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
