As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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