I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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