I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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