you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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