I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
