News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
