dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
