Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
