News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
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