so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Randomize
