I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I have tasted many bathrooms
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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