if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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