she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
