I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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