That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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